I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
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My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could