If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
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Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Not all heroes wear capes….
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
How it started How it’s going
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music