Leonardo DiCaprisun
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My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not