Good morning, Twitter 😊
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If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
What’s so funny?
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
How times have changed.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.