[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
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serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.