tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
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Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.