“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
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i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
*puts cutlery down*
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.