the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
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Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.