I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
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[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face