Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
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me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”