(Electricians.)
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*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”