I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
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5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE