Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
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I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.