One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
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Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.