Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
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Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.