Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
You Might Also Like
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.