me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
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The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
I’m not proud
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park