Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
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Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
My life in a nutshell
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention