Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
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i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.