Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
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The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Me checking my bank balance online.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.