Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
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I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
What my back needs
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
My purse is deeper than some people.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?