Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
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although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Flock of bats
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time