“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
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I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
What kind of a cult is this?
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”