How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
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THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
The three genders.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*