Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
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My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.