My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
You Might Also Like
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Fiction has to make sense.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.