neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
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OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I feel it
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people