At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
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Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Kermit goes Blue.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…