WTF IS THAT!
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Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.