I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
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[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Single and childfree like Jesus
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
me adding lol on a serious message
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.