Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
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Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.