Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
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Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
your elf on the shelf was delicious
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.