* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
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People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
be careful
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Cha-ching is my safe word
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”