Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
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All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*