When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
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If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”