I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
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Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes