Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
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hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Cause of death: Zumba
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”