Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
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[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
The three genders.
scrabbled eggs
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
i’m sure it’s fine
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.