♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
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how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Room with a view.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*