For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
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(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
My life in a nutshell
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Lmaoo 😂
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.