*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
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[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.