I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
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<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening