Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
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Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)