I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
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My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.