Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
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Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out