Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
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Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?