People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
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I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
…..pretty much.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350