Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
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This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.