I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
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Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.