New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
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I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
My time has come.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Love is always patient and kind.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math