Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
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We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol